Memory Bears

Before Grandpa J passed away, he asked that we do something special for the kids so that they have something for a lasting memory.  Through the pastor/minister at the services, Em found a lady that made these memory bears. Each grandkid picked out a Hawaiian shirt and the bear was made specifically for him/her.
We had a few issues getting the bears from the lady but I finally got the package on Friday.  I opened the box there in the post office parking lot (mistake!) and sat and cried for 10 minutes, seeing all of the Hawaiian shirts. It was a little overwhelming. Each bear comes with a BeaRTH certificate and a Hawaiian name.


I think maybe the adults should have gotten bears for themselves too...it's been less than 4 months but it feels like forever. 

A Quickie Update

I keep trying to find time to sit down and do a proper update but that just isn't going to happen...so I'll have to make do with some quickies updates as I can sneak some time in.

Yesterday I slogged around feeling rather bummed out.  Grandpa J's cabin has sold and the closing was yesterday afternoon. While I suppose there should be some relief that it's sold, I'm not feeling it. I just feel sad about it. I have a zillion pictures and memories of my kids running around there - feeding animals, gobbling at the turkeys, petting goats and cows. I'm sad for them, I'm sad for all of us that we won't be back there again.

I also was thinking a lot about Ella's birthday coming up and how we would normally be getting all excited for her party and a visit from the NY Youngers. It's very tough to get excited this year knowing it will be different from now on.
When we were in NY for a visit last March for spring break, I remember watching Jim as we were out at the falls.  His physical appearance had changed so drastically in the few months since we had last seen him.  The chemo and pain had really aged him. It was difficult to see him frail and in pain. I kept thinking that this is what it would be like if Justin and I were his age and he was 80. It was like catching a glimpse into a future that will never happen. 

Silas asked my dad if angels are naked in heaven (because the stone angel statue on their porch is just wearing wings ;) so he wanted to know if Grandpa was naked in heaven too. He still wants to know why Grandpa can't come back.

One a lighter note, Silas has also been rotten as heck.
Last night he bit Ella in the hand when they were playing.  Totally out of nowhere.  Left a pretty good indent and looked like he almost broke the skin.  When I asked him WHY??? he said that he was trying to talk and Ella's hand got in his way. Uh huh...
As we were getting teeth brushed before bed he was very wound up and bouncing off the walls:

me - stop acting like a maniac

Si - it's not me, it's God making me act like a maniac

me - why would God make you act like a maniac?

Si -he has a remote control and does it!

He then proceeds to try to give me a wedgie.  Strange kid.

Memorial Services and Scattering of Ashes

We spent last Saturday through Wednesday in New York, spending time with the family, planning and attending the memorial services and working on cleaning out the cabin (sadly). An incredibly sad, emotional time all around, but there was a lot of love and laughter flowing too. The services were held at the new American Legion in T-burg (because Jim said there would be plenty of parking).  There were pizzas, cheese and veggie platters - his favorites.
There was a table displaying his Hawaiian shirt, a favorite photo, his ashes, the family Bible, his (chiropractic) activator and of course...his bright orange Crocs.

Many Hawaiian shirts were worn by friends and family - as he would have loved!

Amanda and Aunt Wendy made 4 large photo boards that told the story of his life - they did a fantastic job. It was wonderful to see him from an infant to his last days.  Pictures that he had wanted taken with each of the grandchildren when we were there at the beginning of November, photos of him at our weddings, holding the infant grandkids, as a young professional (in his corduroy suit with vest :) , making his funny faces...

Jim had chosen 2 ministers that he wanted to participate in the services.  They knew him well and really personalized their words for him, talked of his spirituality, how he loved to ask questions and of their conversations with him up to the end.  He wasn't afraid of death.

Uncle Bill spoke for the family, told some very amusing stories to verify just how ornery Jim was (Uncle Bill and Jim were college roommates and have been the best of friends for 42 years). Even as recently as several years ago, Jim was pulling pranks that, when didn't go quite as planned, had law enforcement involved :)

The most moving eulogy was given by Shawn, and by "moving", I mean "inducing gut wrenching sobs".  He very eloquently (between his own sobs) told of the father he knew, the incredible work ethic that Jim had (as witnessed not just by his patients, but by us "kids" that would ask him to come and help with home projects, which he'd work relentlessly on until the job was done) and most importantly, the grandfather that our children knew.  When Shawn had asked his dad about any regrets in life - Jim's only is that he won't be there for all the special events in the kids' lives - their graduations, weddings, birthdays, the visits that we've come to look forward to and love.  During our last visit at hospice over Thanksgiving, I was standing outside Grandpa J's room as he was saying goodbye to the OH and RI grandkids - I watched as he reached up and touched each of them on the side of the face as his goodbye, since he no longer had a voice. He was so proud of his kids and their families, just ask any one of his patients -  at the services, they knew the grandkids by face and name because of all the photos plastered at the office and how much he talked about them.

The grandkids each placed a single yellow rose on Grandpa J's shirt.

We sang a couple (poorly executed) hymns (I think he would have found it amusing just how poorly we sing!) and at his request, I'm Coming Home from the Rocky Horror Picture Show was played.  When asked if anyone had something that they would like to say, neighbors, friends and patients stood and spoke - many, many of them in fact.  They shared funny stories, stories that attested to his supreme dedication to his patients...and many stories about his Hawaiian shirts and Dollar Store purchases (you probably don't have any idea how cheap he was unless you have tried to wash your hair with his watered down Sauve shampoo). I think that (for once) he would have been speechless if he had heard the outpouring of love and the memories shared.

After the services, we all went to one of his favorite restaurants - Jerlando's.  Well known for their delicious garlic knots!

On Monday, we all met at the cabin and had a family "memorial".  We took Jim's ashes and (in temps of about 7 degrees with the windchill!) scattered them around his property. We each told a memory or story as we took turns ladling the ashes out and tossing them. Unfortunately, due to the wind and bad aim...some of the kids ended up wearing Grandpa J ashes in their hoods, hair, stuck to snow covered knees...

We walked down by the pond...

 and scattered in and around...

   Next, his beloved barn...

And throughout his apple and fruit trees...

 And in the pasture with Rosie and the goats...

And again, what a mixture of laughter and tears.  So many funny stories mixed with the tangible void that his absence will leave.

It was so hard to drive away on Wednesday, to leave the family, the cabin that we may never see again. The drive home was long and snowy and long (did I mention LONG?).
Unwinding when we were finally home, I started looking at some of the pictures of our family, which he had in his office. Stuck in between 2 of the pictures was a sheet of paper that had been faxed to him recently.  It read:

View me no more in Sorrow

Seek me no more in Grief

I'll come to you on the 'morrow

And bring your heart relief.

Walk with me past the sunset;

Fly with me to the moon.

Hand in hand through the starlight,

Comfort shall come to you soon.

I'm leaving to dance with the angels;

My time for this pain is at end.

I'll meet you again by the Rainbow.

From Heaven to you it shall bend.

My heart never knew such compassion,

But pity no more should you waste...

For brilliant tomorrows await me -

In angels sweet arms I've been placed.

~

Rest in Peace Grandpa J - and may your spirit carry on with us every day...

Obituary and Goldfish

James B. Juenger

Dr. James B. Juenger, 60, passed away on November 30, 2010 after a one-year battle with cancer. Born on July 15, 1950 to the late Iva and Herbert Juenger of Cornwall, NY, Dr. Juenger graduated from Cornell University and Logan Chiropractic College (St. Louis, MO). He opened Cayuga Chiropractic Offices in 1978 in Trumansburg where his office staff and many loyal patients became part of his local family over the past 32 years. James is survived by children, Shawn (Abby), Justin (Christa), Amanda, Emily Bennett (William) and Brian; brothers, Jerry and Jeffrey (Wendy); niece, Kirstie; and nine grandchildren (Mason, Trent, Ella, Molly, Myles, Silas, William, James and Hudson) who will all miss him so much. The family will be present to receive friends from 1:00 to 4:00 p.m. on Sunday, December 5, 2010, at the American Legion Post 770, 4431 Seneca Road, Trumansburg. A Memorial Service will be held at 2:00 p.m. at the American Legion on Sunday, December 5. In lieu of flowers, kindly consider a donation in James' memory to Hospicare of Tompkins County, 172 East King Road, Ithaca, NY 14850 or to the Trumansburg Food Pantry, PO Box 162, Trumansburg, NY 14886. For additional information, kindly contact the funeral home at 1-888-534-5446 or www.ness-sibley.com.
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Even though the last year sapped Jim of his energy, his hair, his strength and that booming voice - I always picture him in my mind like he looks above. Strong and lively, fun and hardworking.  He would come out for a visit and go like a workhorse all day long, especially when we built our first house and had SOOO many projects.   I see us sitting on the deck, reading a book or the newspaper; or enjoying one of our many impromptu beer or wine tastings. Or him tucked into a comfy corner, sipping a glass of wine or Bailey's and reading, reading, reading.

Silas came downstairs crying last night after we tucked him into bed.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said, "I miss Grandpa so much."  It broke my heart.  The worst of this for me is that they won't have their Grandpa J, and that he won't get to be there for all those special times. 

I told Silas, "well, maybe it will help us feel better if we think that we have a special angel in heaven now". 

"Grandpa's an angel now?" he asked. 

"Maybe, I guess if he wants to be."

"No, Grandpa would want to be a goldfish!"

That made me laugh - yes, Grandpa wouldn't want to be a regular old angel - he would definitely go with something more unconventional!  If nothing else, he's the angel wearing the Hawaiian shirt and blinding orange Crocs!

It Really Just Sucks.

I know he's not really gone, she said, but the world still feels smaller to me today. {story people}

(Grandpa J and Ella - 2003)

James B. Juenger

7/15/1950 - 11/30/2010

The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord lift His countenance upon you,
And give you peace, and give you peace,
The Lord make His face to shine upon you,
And be gracious unto you, be gracious,
The Lord be gracious, gracious unto you.
Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving and Simple Blessings

She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short. {story people} 

9AM:
Thanksgiving this year is quite a bit different for us. We usually host at our house with my entire family and Grandpa J and Amanda come to OH to join us.  The morning usually starts with Justin getting the turkey prepped and in the oven while I begin the frantic cleaning and pick-up, making last minute side dishes and trying to get the kids interested in watching the Macy's Day parade (they always get bored).
This year, we're in New York. We are spending it with 99% of the family (we're missing the AZ Youngers).  We will cook the meal at the cabin and then take it to the hospice house so that we can spend the day with Jim. The list of what we are thankful for really takes new meaning. There is a sign over a doorway in the house that we are staying in that reads "Simple Blessings"....like the big, fat snow flakes that fell this morning before eventually turning into rain. 

11PM:
The best blessing of the day was seeing Jim smile ear to ear, over something funny when several of us were talking.  I have not seen that smile in months.  I wish I could freeze it in time.  The day was wonderful - chaotic and fun.  The folks at the hospice house were wonderful.  Warm and accommodating of us people invading the space. They had everything set up and waiting.  We made SO much food we could have easily taken care of about 30 more people. The cousins had a ball together, everyone got to go in and spend time in Grandpa J's room.  He must be thoroughly exhausted after all the visiting yesterday and today.
I love the fleeting and unassuming moments - that smile, overhearing the conversation of 2 preschoolers and their take on life, the coziness of being inside now while the sleet/rain is pounding away outside. I love that even in a time of impending grief, that we can laugh, enjoy being together and have fun.
I'm happy that Mas got to show his grandpa his class ring that we picked up on Monday.  He had Jim's "Grandpa J" signature inscribed on the inside of the ring (from his last birthday card). 

From my favorite poet:

Thanksgiving - by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1896)

We walk on starry fields of white
   And do not see the daisies;
For blessings common in our sight
   We rarely offer praises.
We sigh for some supreme delight
   To crown our lives with splendor,
And quite ignore our daily store
   Of pleasures sweet and tender.

Our cares are bold and push their way
   Upon our thought and feeling.
They hang about us all the day,
   Our time from pleasure stealing.
So unobtrusive many a joy
   We pass by and forget it,
But worry strives to own our lives
   And conquers if we let it.

There’s not a day in all the year
   But holds some hidden pleasure,
And looking back, joys oft appear
   To brim the past’s wide measure.
But blessings are like friends I hold,
   Who love and labor near us.
We ought to raise our notes of praise
   While living hearts can hear us.

Full many a blessing wears the guise
   Of worry or of trouble.
Farseeing is the soul and wise
   Who knows the mask is double.
But he who has the faith and strength
   To thank his God for sorrow
Has found a joy without alloy
   To gladden every morrow.

We ought to make the moments notes
   Of happy, glad Thanksgiving;
The hours and days a silent phrase
   Of music we are living.
And so the theme should swell and grow
   As weeks and months pass o’er us,
And rise sublime at this good time,
   A grand Thanksgiving chorus.

 ~

  

The simple blessings make me happy - and oh so very Thankful.

An Update or Two

I had my gallbladder yanked out yesterday.  FINALLY!  After years of having issues off and on, and then it getting worse and worse, I finally went to see the surgeon (he's pretty much become our "go-to" surgeon since doing Margie's 3 surgeries) in June, and his recommendation was "yank it - it's obviously making you miserable and you have a family history of bad gallbladders."  So when he took it out he said it was very inflamed and scarred from extended inflammation and spitting out gall stones. So I guess it is a good thing that I went ahead and had it taken out.  He assures me that I will feel like a champ now :)
The worst part of it is the CO2 gas that they pump you with so that they can see easily inside at all your organs.  Wow, that leftover air is quite painful when it settles under ribs and in shoulders and collar bones.  Made it impossible to lay down last night, and the little bit of sleep that I got was done sitting up on the coach.  Hopefully that will go away soon!

Jim (Grandpa J) was moved into a hospice facility this week.  It's tough to know he's not in his cabin with a view of the pastures and lake, but it's good to know that he's getting the needed 24/7 care and it lifts a huge weight off of Emily. We'll spend Thanksgiving in NY this year - a first for us all to be together on Thanksgiving :)

Silas made my day this week when he enthusiastically hugged me one morning and said "I love you more than a poisonous snake!!" - really the only thing better would have been if he said he loves me more than his beloved "junk food"!

We've been in the thick of Parent/Teacher conferences.  All of the kids are doing very well in school, and Ella and Silas definitely have their teachers fooled again.  "Really??  (insert Ella/Silas) punches, kicks, throttles, (his/her) (sister/brother)?  I never would have guessed based on how good and cooperative he/she is in class!"  That is when I whip out the Flip cam and show the teacher just how they behave at home!

Bittersweet

{Bit-ter-sweet} Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure.

We've spent these last 3 days in New York, visiting Jim (Grandpa J), sitting with him, talking, trying to keep him comfortable, planning the logistics for the things we wish we didn't have to plan, and trying to make the best and most of this time because we are all together so rarely.
It's very difficult to think that this might be the last time we are here to visit him. But it's almost more difficult to think that he'll be in this state much longer - unable to move and get around as he's used to doing. The immobility is driving him nuts. He's antsy.  He's never been one to just sit...unless it's with a good book.

My stomach is in knots thinking that we'll say goodbye this afternoon.  And a long drive home with not much to distract the mind (except for fighting kids).

I look at this picture and I think of the lyrics to the Pearl Jam song Just Breathe:
Yes, I understand that every life must end, 
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go,
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,
Some folks just have one,
others, they've got none...  

By Pearl Jam's standards...he's a lucky man and then some...